文章开头先介绍下本文的小编
Charlie方老师
↓↓↓
一位致力帮助同学们跟托福快狠准
和平分手的写作老师
提分率90%+
大部分学生首考写作24以上，其中亦有首考28
擅长给20-22的学生提到26-27分
24左右的学生提到28-30分
以下是QR同学考前四天一篇独立写作练习的批改，当时我的评分是27/28分，后来QR同学确实获得了首考写作28分，我们从语言、结构、辩证三大方面评析为什么该文能拿28分。
When it comes to discussing the topic of what activities that people should take part in when they are free, a heated debate necessarily takes place. While some people assert that people should do some activities related to their work because they really enjoy their work, some others immediately respond that they prefer to do some activities unrelated to their work, for they claim that their jobs are very boring and tiring. Although both camps have put forward valid arguments, in my view, it depends on the categories of jobs to decide whether or not people should choose some activities or hobbies that are connected with their jobs.
开头段中规中矩，使用了模板，第一句引出话题，第二句介绍两种看法，第三句亮出自己的观点。在这个模板，我嵌入了四个复杂句式，而QR同学的英语基础很扎实，都能正确使用这些句式。
To begin with, it requires people who are uninterested in their work energy and time to accomplish their work. Under this circumstance, if they relax with something similar to their work, it will be boring and exhausting,so thattheir work efficiency during weekdays is, perhaps, affected as well. Take for example my friend Maverick, who is a computer engineer in a big corporation. Software engineering is onerous and troublesome for him, as he tackles software problems day after day. Whereas he used to enjoy reading books about algorithm, after he began working he found those books exhausting. Although it was his goal to keep himself updated with new knowledge in the field of computer science, nowadays it is ineffective for him to do so. Later, he turned to read literary works, which helped him relax, broadened his horizon, and enhanced his literary sensibility. The example of Maverick is representative in that it shines a light on why people should participate in activities that are dissimilar to their work.
第二段非常严谨的总分总结构。很多同学写完个人例子不加总结，没有意识到这是结构的一个扣分点。例子虽然是编的，但是可信度高，而且紧扣主题句，符合ETS让考生使用specific example但不要提前背例子的要求。有些辩证能力弱一点的学生，要不编的例子不可信，要不就是编的例子跟主题句不相关。
By putting forward the argument above for exhausting jobs, am I implying that it applies to all people? Certainly not. For those who have very fun jobs and who don’t think of their work as annoying, it is unnecessary for them to partake in activities that are unrelated to their work. In other words, it is more preferable for them to relax themselves in by partaking inactivities that have something to do with their jobs. A survey conducted by Survey Monkey can add legitimacy to my point: it asks whether people do activities that are related to their jobs. 39. 8% of interviewees respond that they do have hobbies or enjoy other activities that are related to their jobs. The rationale behind this is that they think their jobs are engaging and interesting, and henceso that they want to continue their jobs even ifduring their rest time to achieve a feeling of comfort and relaxation.
第三段的设问句转折非常自然，把在主段之间的衔接采用了 firstly, secondly, thirdly 这样简单粗暴的方式的考生拉开了距离。这一段编了一个调查数据，但是还是可信读比较高，能起填充字数作用。而且QR同学能讨论数据背后的原因，把调查数据自然地融入辩证当中。
To sum up, that whether people should choose some activities or hobbies connected with their jobs depends on people’s their jobs. For people have interests who are interested in their jobs, they can choose familiar hobbies or activities. For some people getting who often get tired with their jobs, they may choose some activities that are different from their jobs.
结尾段再次重申了观点，保证文章总体结构完整。
语言：整篇文章虽然有部分地方有语法问题，但是不影响读者读懂。词汇虽然不是非常丰富，但是没有出现词用得不地道的问题。句式也是比较丰富，而且句式选用都很恰当，没有为了炫耀写作能力而故意把句子拉长的问题。但我当时在27和28分之间犹豫的主要原因是so that句式两次使用错误，考前不能改过来的话很可能就27分。
辩证：QR同学用到我说的分情况讨论的写法，展现了全面思考的能力。
结构：不仅做到了段与段之间自然衔接，还能段内都非常注重通过用转折词保证行文流畅。
总的来说，QR同学能首考写作28，首先是ta的语言能力本身就非常扎实。其次是上课配合，课后作业依时完成，能把批改当中发现的语言问题都及时改过来，并把避开很多学生忽略的扣分点。靠谱的老师和靠谱的学生一次愉快的合作，写作首考28真是一点都不意外。
另外一个小插曲，考前两天我督促QR同学再次复习批改，ta说在忙着看机经，表示第一次考试心里没有底，被我严厉批评。实力是怎样就怎样，不要用旁门左道来提升自己的分数。事实也证明，QR同学考的场次写作独立出了一道新题，机经只有浪费时间的反作用。现在ETS反作弊反机经的力度不断加大，大家还是好好准备托福注重能力提升吧。托福考试还是能反映考生真实学术英语水平的，备考托福不仅仅是为了考个好成绩用作申请，还为了以后的留学作准备。英语不够用？还是好好补一下吧，不要把问题留到在美国上学时解决。
